Why I Keep Going Back to Porn (Even When I Want to Stop)

If you’re a man who keeps going back to pornography or unwanted sexual behaviors even though you don’t want to anymore, you might be wondering, “Why do I do this when I really want to stop?”

In one moment, you may feel determined to stop.  You make a plan, set boundaries for yourself, and feel a sense of achievement in that.  Then, at night, when you are anxious, bored, lonely, or even when your life is going well, you end up back in the same place.  This can make you wonder if you really want to stop.

Here's a perspective that may help you see things in a different way.  In the therapy world, there is a model known as “Internal Family Systems” or, “IFS.”  Through the lens of this model, we all have different “parts” of ourselves, not in a weird way, but in a human way.  You might relate to this as we often speak using language such as “a part of me wants to eat that cake, but a part of me doesn’t.” A part of you wants to enjoy cake, and another part wants to keep your health goals.  Basically, each of our parts are playing a role in our system for one reason or another.  What is important to understand is, none of the parts are bad. 

You have parts, and they each have a job

In IFS, parts aren’t the enemy. They developed for a reason. A part of you may be determined, wanting to live true to what you believe in and avoid damaging your relationship. Another part of you may feel overwhelmed and desperate for relief in certain moments, and willing to turn to things your determined part doesn’t want to do. This part of you may have developed early on in your life, when you were going through something difficult and needed a way to cope. When you understand that, your struggle starts to make more sense. You’re not dealing with a simple “me versus porn” battle. You’re dealing with different parts of yourself at different times. Again, I know this might sound weird, like you have different personalities, but the reality is these parts are all still you.

There’s usually a reason underneath

So, when people that I talk to say “Why do I keep going back to porn when I really want to stop,” I like to describe it in parts language. I point out that the part of them that is showing up to therapy and saying they want to stop is determined to keep their sobriety.  However, the part that shows up in a moment of temptation could be feeling many different things such as loneliness, fear, or anxiety.  This often reduces shame because it means that you do want to stop your unwanted behaviors, but some moments are harder than others because of what is going on underneath.  Guess what – that is normal!

What helps you change isn’t more self-hatred, it’s curiosity for your parts

Instead of beating up on yourself in moments where the urge arises to use pornography or go to other unwanted sexual behaviors, see if you can slow down in those moments to notice what is happening inside of you.

A simple (but not always easy) first step is learning to pause and notice the part of you that is feeling pulled to use. You can ask yourself questions such as “what is this part of me feeling right now,” and “what does this part need right now?” The next step is easier said than done, but see if you can notice that part of yourself, and perhaps ask it what it needs right now.  If you identify what that part needs, see if you can meet that need in a healthy way.  For example, if that part is feeling lonely or disconnected, you can try calling or texting a friend.  If that part is feeling anxious or fearful, see if you can share that fear with someone or go to God in prayer about it.

A final encouragement

If a part of you wants to stop and another part keeps pulling you back, that doesn’t mean you’re a fraud. It means that you might be struggling with something underneath, and you have learned to cope in ways that are not always helpful for you. See if you can slow down and notice the battle that is happening inside, and pay attention to the parts that may be at play.

For some, this can be a helpful way of seeing their struggles and result in success.  For many, additional support can be crucial in their recovery process.  My hope is that this blog can help you take a step towards your recovery, and if you need additional support, it’s okay to ask for help.

As a Christian therapist that specializes in helping men find freedom from pornography and unwanted sexual behaviors, I am here to support you if needed. If you would like to see how I can help, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation by clicking here. You can also visit my website at www.primochristiantherapy.com and use the contact form to get in touch. There are options for individual therapy, and group therapy for men looking to find freedom from their unwanted sexual behaviors.